Crazy

You know what they say about the crazy ones!!!

the word crazy

Now I know you have all heard the saying “you know what they say about the crazy ones” and yes to a certain extent what you’re thinking is probably true; but for all intensive purposes lets forget about what just popped into your head and let’s redefine what it means!

For so long I was one of these “crazy ones” . . . In relationships and all circumstances of life. Like most creatives we are perceived as a little crazy or wild. We see the world differently, taste things differently, love differently . . . Plain and simple we just operate differently.

But at a point I realized that I was down spiraling and couldn’t for the life of me grasp common practices because of this “crazy” inside of me.

For a majority of my adulthood (17-27 years old) I let what I thought was me just being a woman with an extremely bad case of ADHD and an over active wild spirit run my life like I was on auto-pilot.

What was going on with me was more than the above mentioned. It wasn’t until I started to ask questions about my body that I learned the answers that would change my life completely and put my past into perspective.

During the 10 year span I spoke about earlier my life was chaos! In that period I graduated high school, went to college, played college basketball, got into a horrible relationship (I was definitely warned about), became a mommy, had postpartum depression, was a NFL wife, moved to Denver, went through the worst imaginable divorce, lost custody of Giovanni, had no place to live, struggled financially, became a party girl, lost my best friend, regain custody of Giovanni, hurt some good people, found the love of my life, struggled to find who I was, moved back home to Detroit, had a miscarriage, struggled some more, broke up with the love of my life just to find out that I was pregnant, lost the pregnancy, turned to partying again then finally I broke mentally.

This is where I met my rock bottom.

(Ps.the love of my life is my husband now we made it through)

My life was in complete and utter shambles and I was tired. Tired of not succeeding, tired of having to struggle, tired of feeling I had nothing to offer my child and tired of feeling like I was never grounded! I finally had had enough!

Throughout the fore-mentioned time I thought I could fix myself and that I just needed to focus harder on doing so but in all actuality I couldn’t it was bigger than me. I think as people we think we can self medicate or fix ourselves because we don’t think we need help or we are too embarrassed or afraid to ask for help … self medicating comes in all different forms and it’s a temporary fix. Once I realized this it was the key!

So I started searching for answers and looking for who and what would help me!

What I found out after a long and hard journey of asking questions for several months to a variety of different doctors (holistic and traditional) was that the combination of my ADHD and all it’s bag mental side effects and the hormone imbalance caused by my PCOS played off of each and made me completely of kilter or seem crazy.

My hormone imbalance, severe mood swings, being so sensitive and impulsivity were the recipe for disaster. Not for one second am I blaming any of my decisions on anything or anyone but myself because I was cognizant of my choices and after each bad decision I felt horrible (sometimes those feelings of remorse didn’t happen until I had moment of clarity which usually meant my body had leveled my hormones out temporarily).

What I am saying is that in those moments if I would have been levelheaded and balanced I probably would have made better choices even being impulsive. The one thing I am sad about is that the people I interacted with in those years probably thought I was crazy and still do . . . shoot my husband called me crazy all the time back then.

But this crazy like the real crazy are products of a person’s body taking over and essentially running them. I have spoken to a lot of other women that have PCOS and how the disconnect in their lives was due to their up and down hormones. The crying one minute, being mad the next, all the traits that mimic bipolar disorder and depression. For some they were misdiagnosed.

I guess my point to all of this is YES . . . us as women can sometimes be crazy and in hindsight we get a laugh from it but for some of us it is deeper than a momentary thing and it is something that can truly overshadow who we really are, what we are trying to achieve and what we have to offer.

Xoxo,

Samantha